Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Straight Face

I wish I could find a way to hide my emotions, my feelings. I am so easy to read, I never leave much to the imagination when it comes to my feelings. I want to be emotionless at times, or just not so easy to discern. I wonder how some of the people I know are able to keep everything so hidden and wrapped, yet one look at my eyes and they just spill the beans. I find it better to keep somethings mysterious, but my persona was just not built with that tendency. When I am joyful it is evident, when I am sorrowful the eyes give it all and when i am longing it is quite clear. I'd like a neutral countenance.

Monday, October 27, 2008

The Twilight in my Dream

I want to be 15 and reading Twilight. Reading it at the age of 24, it still has its thrills but I know an Edward Cullen does not exist. The boy that melts you to your core and makes you feel helpless. Ya, that's all for the storybooks, not for real life. But it's ok to dream, dreams make us happy, wishful, and hopeful. You can create your own little world in dreams, and make your life turn out exactly like a movie script. A little imagination and a sprinkle of desire can take us to the unimaginable. Can you do that with real life?

Saturday, October 25, 2008

Friday, October 24, 2008

I Love You Texas Because....

  1. I couldn't live in a place where they call coke, pop..no sir
  2. State-Fair-O-Texas
  3. We once were our own independent country
  4. When they ask me what country are you from, I say "Texas"
  5. 107 degree weather is the ISH!
  6. I can say "ya'll" and not have people look at me funny
  7. Wearing cowboy boots and hats won't cause stares
  8. The Dallas Cowboys are just the best damn team ever!
  9. Dr. Pepper is the best coke
  10. We say "thank you" and "please" and "Yes, Ma'am"
  11. everything is bigger in Texas
  12. best drivers in the world
  13. 8 lane highways
  14. the food....mmmmm....the food!
  15. beautiful people

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

OPEC you suck balls

Seriously...I filled my tank up today for $33, on my way back home. I think I wanted to kiss the guy right next to me...I haven't seen that number at the gas station since...god knows when! But my joy was short lived as soon as i got home and tuned on CNN. OPEC is planning to cut production by a gazillion barrels which means supply will go down and demand will climb causing gas prices to rise again....now why would they do this when the economy is in the crappers!???!!! Because demand for oil has gone down due to the current economic crisis...OPEC claims to be losing about $1billion every week since the downfall....and I ask how many gazillion dollars did you (OPEC) make in the summer when gas was $4.00....FUCK!

Yes, I am mad, angry, livid....yes I curse put up with it....I remember during my junior year in college I was describing to a friend how mad I was at a professor for always picking on me to answer questions that even he couldn't answer...I remember saying "Fuck, I am tired of looking like a dimwit in that class!" I clearly can recollect this boy turning around and laughing saying"I didn't think holy people could curse!" The scarf on my head does not equate to holiness....shit I am human just like you are...just with rag on the head....

Funny how I wrote the below today in the morning and my desire to serve humanity got tested today at the gas station....a lady came up asking for some money for gas...i took a double look at her, she didn't look disheveled nor needy...i looked at her car and it didn't scream i lack money...something about her wasn't normal but i couldn't put my finger on what exactly...i decided to give her $3...that was all the cash I had....I watched her as she went inside the convenient store and I didn't drive off until she did...she put exactly $3 worth of gas....As I was driving off I felt guilty, maybe I could have used my debit card to give her at least $10 of gas...what if she had forgotten her wallet at home and didn't have any cash on her...no credit card...and was in dire need of gas to pick up her child from school...all these thoughts came to my mind as I was driving off...what if I was in her position....i would hope somebody would have the heart to help without hesitance...

Running on Empty

Lately I have been having this feeling of doing so much yet receiving little or no fulfillment at all. Growing up I was an idealist, I believed that I could make a difference in this world. I had this sense of urgency to serve humanity, to do my part for the greater good of people but somehow along the way I lost all these visions. Is it growing up and realizing reality...I am still trying to figure that out.

I remember a local newspaper did a story on the private Muslim school I attended for the first graduating class of the school. The journalist asked me what I wanted to become and I knew right then and there I was destined for journalism, I didn't hesitate to give her an answer quickly. She asked me why I chose that particular field, and the answer I gave her haunts me until today. I wanted to bring to light stories of struggle, I wanted fair journalism to bring attention the views of the mis-represented such as Muslim-Americans. To give them a chance to share their side of the story, rather than been depicted as cruel callous beings.

I understand that maybe I wasn't destined for journalism, everyone is poised to change their mind a gazillion of times. You could grow up thinking that you wanted to be a doctor go to college and realize that was the last thing you wanted to do. But the core of my plan should have never changed, that of which to serve humanity.

Now, I just find myself chasing that dollar and making the wealthy wealthier. What happened to my visions, my goals, my dreams have they all been bought up by the mighty dollar? I cannot continue to live like this any longer, although I am fortunate that I am still young and able to turn around my life. I do not want to be 70 years old and wishing I could have done something. Coulda, woulda...no! I am not going to look back at my life and dwell on the "ifs", I want to be that 17 year old again who could move a crowd with just a few words, the one who used to dream big with pure unadulterated plans. I want this empty feeling to disappear.

I remember reading Kerouac's On the Road once....and this line struck my mind:

"...because the only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars and in the middle you see the blue centerlight pop and everybody goes "Awww!"

that's how I want to become again!

Monday, October 20, 2008

We Have Bad Scarf Days

A lot of people have told me how lucky I am for not having to deal with bad hair days, since I wear the Muslim covering, hijab. By the way we do have hair, we are not bald under there. We may not have bad hair days, but we have bad scarf days.

There are days in the morning no matter how hard I try to ensure the perfect edge lining that frames my face it just doesn't work. And let me tell how important it is to get the perfect edge, because it could make or break your face. A perfect edge, and you get the right face structure balance, a not so perfect one makes you look very disproportionate, like you just got out of the operating ward from a face lift.

And then there are days where your scarf not matter how many pins you have fastened it with on your head just doesn't want to stick. So you end up having hair slipping all over the place. People think this is a sexy look, just a little exposure but not too much, the teaser. But it can be annoying as hell when one is purposely trying not to look sexy. Especially for me when I have to try really HARD not to ; )

Sunday, October 19, 2008

I Feel the need to see say it

I am not going to hide it anymore...I am Muslim and an American...and I love this country damn it...I am that woman that you see in the grocery store with the scarf on her head, who you probably think is uneducated, oppressed, and does not speak a word of english....well I am here to shatter those stereotypes...I am an educated, liberated, and a good english speaker...probably better than alot of people out there....so if you have a problem with who I am...i suggest you don't bother reading my blog...Who I am shapes my views in life but that doesn't mean I ignorantly disclaim other people's way of life...Yes I am M-U-S-L-I-M...bite me!

Dream World

I would be you, you would be me, we would be one, we would be just fine
The ice caps wouldn't be melting and neither would I, mmh
I would just drive my big old car, and everything would be alright
And energy would just fall down right from the sky, yeah

Words would fly right from out of my mind, out of my mind into your heart, into your life
And everything would sound just right, and no one would stop me from drinking my wine

That's my dreamworld, that's my dreamworld, it's more than a dream
My dreamworld, that's my dreamworld, and I wanna live in my dream, (dream)

For the real world just don't feel right
I wouldn't spend my days searching for, searching for lost time, yeah hey yee (ooh ooh, dream)
I wouldn't be so damn sensitive, I'd let things go by
No matter what the weather, I'd learn to change, I'd change with the time, yeah he

And everytime I need a woman, she'd appear right by me
she hold me tight, treat me right, and tell me that everything is gonna be, is gonna be alright, alright

That's my dreamworld, that's my dreamworld

I would tell Van Gogh that he was loved, there's no need to cry
I would say Marvin Gay your father didn't want you to die (dream)
There would be no black and white, the world just treat my wife right
We could down in Mississipi and no one would look at us trice, ehhe he yihi

That's my dreamworld, that's my dreamworld, it's more than a dream
That's my dreamworld, that's my dreamworld, and I wanna live in my dream, (dream)


Dear Squirrel on Arapaho,

I know this letter has long been due. Sorry I got busy and caught up, but that doesn't mean I forgot about you. I didn't mean to run over you, I actually risked my life trying to swerve the car to avoid you, but to no avail.

You see, I don't think of you as tree rodents, no I am not Rosie O'Donnell. I think you are actually rather cute and harmless. It hurts me to think that you might have been crossing the road to go feed your little one. We humans keep on moving into your habitats leaving less and less room for you guys.

But I can't help but think that something might have been going a little wrong with your species. Ali, ran over a squirrel the same day I did too. Coincidence, I think not! I think there was a suicide pact among you, and I feel horrible to have been a part of that mission. Next time, please don't involve innocent humans in your gross dealings!


Saturday, October 18, 2008


How to Deal With Rumors and Unproven Accusations

[24:11] A gang among you produced a big lie. Do not think that it was bad for you; instead, it was good for you. Meanwhile, each one of them has earned his share of the guilt. As for the one who initiated the whole incident, he has incurred a terrible retribution.

[24:12] When you heard it, the believing men and the believing women should have had better thoughts about themselves, and should have said, "This is obviously a big lie."

[24:13] Only if they produced four witnesses (you may believe them). If they fail to produce the witnesses, then they are, according to GOD, liars.

[24:14] If it were not for GOD's grace towards you, and His mercy in this world and in the Hereafter, you would have suffered a great retribution because of this incident.

[24:15] You fabricated it with your own tongues, and the rest of you repeated it with your mouths without proof. You thought it was simple, when it was, according to GOD, gross.

What to Do

[24:16] When you heard it, you should have said, "We will not repeat this. Glory be to You. This is a gross falsehood."

[24:17] GOD admonishes you that you shall never do it again, if you are believers.

[24:18] GOD thus explains the revelations for you. GOD is Omniscient, Wise.

[24:19] Those who love to see immorality spread among the believers have incurred a painful retribution in this life and in the Hereafter. GOD knows, while you do not know.

[24:20] GOD showers you with His grace and mercy. GOD is Most Kind towards the believers, Most Merciful.

Saturday, October 11, 2008


Intellectually I am no Albert Einstein, but I am no Jessica Simpson either. Most people actually call me a nerd, for one i'd rather be in school agonizing over a 20 page research paper rather than crunching numbers in a cubicle. If I could go to school forever I would, and I am actually planning on it, wanting to go into academia and research.

Right now I hold a rather useless undergraduate degree. And, pretty much all undergraduate degrees are pretty much useless. I could not tell you nor care to tell you about floating exchange rates and imperfect capital mobility. But, I can draw really cute color coordinated supply and demand curves. And, I can also tell you that Karl Marx may have been a tad bit right about the perils of capitalism, seeing the current state of our economy.


And, to my shock my employer cared less the 8 semesters of knowledge crammed in my head. All they cared about was my ability to be a team player, effective communicator, able to analyze a situation, sound judgement, and sanity. All things I learned in Kindergarten.

So what does one do with a very useless undergraduate degree?

Well obviously you get a useful one, at a place called graduate school. But before, I embark on another academic triatholon, I have to take a little test called the GRE to measure my quantitative and verbal ability. Ya right! Let me tell you how much sleep I have lost agonizing over this exam. And that is my problem!

I am one of those kids, that gets short of breath before a test, my palms sweat, and i start thinking about every horrible thing that could happen to me if I failed the test. Something to the affect of turning into a failure and disappointment to society like having to sell crack to keep a a roof under my head. Yeah scary stuff like that! But, I have never failed a test, ok, maybe I have like once but once does not count. Actually, I am not one to get grades below B's, and mind you that letter is a disappointment for me, but before every test I have to go through the same routine of test anxiety.

Most people think that I pretend to do that, but for me it is realer than real. And this three letter word G-R-E is about to send me to the mental ward. No matter how many times I tell myself I think I can I think I can, it just does not work. Thomas the Train, sorry but repeating that phrase over and over again just doesn't cut it for me.

I had an awful dream last night, of being at the test center and having a dysfunctional computer which meant I could not take the exam. But the twist was, the testing center blamed the computer malfunction on me and they banned me from ever taking the GRE again, which meant I could not get into grad school! See! It is bad I tell ya.....HELP

Friday, October 3, 2008

"Now I am quietly waiting for
the catastrophe of my personality
to seem beautiful again
and interesting, and modern."
Vladimir Mayakovsky

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

Confusion sucks

I is confused....I hate that feeling of confusion, not knowing what to do or what direction to take. Knowing that if you don't do anything then you risk regret, but doing something carries a lot of risks with it too. That feeling where there is a battle with in and every direction that you turn to seems right sometimes and so wrong at other times. Right now not doing anything seems to be the safest choice but I am not one to make safe choices...oh well! Either way life goes on.